WHAT CHILDREN FEEL IN ABUSE SITUATIONS
POWERLESS – I can’t stop the abuse or violence
CONFUSED – it doesn’t make sense
ANGRY – this should not be happening
GUILTY – I think I have done something bad
SAD – I feel lost and at a loss
AFRAID –I’m scared someone will get hurt. I’m scared I’ll get hurt
ALONE – I think this is only happening to me
SHAME – this is all happening because of me, I’m the bad one. What if others find out what’s happening and think we’re all bad?
WHAT CHILDREN NEED
TO BE LISTENED TO & BELIEVED
TO HAVE A SAFE PLACE to express their feelings
TO BE TOLD THEY ARE NOT ALONE
TO BE TOLD THE VIOLENCE IS NOT THEIR FAULT
TO HAVE SUPPORT – from family, friends, counsellors
TO LEARN CONFLICT CAN BE RESOLVED WITHOUT ABUSE
TO DEVELOP THEIR OWN PERSONAL POWER
Developed and adapted by Anne Hawkins 2009
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POWERLESS – I can’t stop the abuse or violence
CONFUSED – it doesn’t make sense
ANGRY – this should not be happening
GUILTY – I think I have done something bad
SAD – I feel lost and at a loss
AFRAID –I’m scared someone will get hurt. I’m scared I’ll get hurt
ALONE – I think this is only happening to me
SHAME – this is all happening because of me, I’m the bad one. What if others find out what’s happening and think we’re all bad?
WHAT CHILDREN NEED
TO BE LISTENED TO & BELIEVED
TO HAVE A SAFE PLACE to express their feelings
TO BE TOLD THEY ARE NOT ALONE
TO BE TOLD THE VIOLENCE IS NOT THEIR FAULT
TO HAVE SUPPORT – from family, friends, counsellors
TO LEARN CONFLICT CAN BE RESOLVED WITHOUT ABUSE
TO DEVELOP THEIR OWN PERSONAL POWER
Developed and adapted by Anne Hawkins 2009
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05/09: When we "blame" women
What is Blame?
This is when you think, or assume that someone else made you do, say, think or feel something. Blame tells others you are not responsible for what you do, say, think or feel.
Blame is a way of defending yourself.
* I can use blame as an excuse in my relationships, by saying to my partner: "I had to react because you nagged me into it", or "It's your fault because "you provoked me", or
"It's because you have a big mouth I had to...", or "You made me...." etc.
* I can use blame against all women to show how I have to react or feel put down as a man, by saying: "All women are bitches", or "All women are like that", etc.
* I can use blame to ge me off the hook in arguments, or to distract the other person and get them to react defensively. Blame hellps me get the attention off me and onto
someone or something else. I protect myself by blaming others ....... and it makes them look just as bad if not worse than me.
BLAME GIVES MY POWER AWAY
AS LONG AS I BLAME MY ANGER AND BEHAVIOUR ON SOMEONE ELSE, I GIVE UP THE CHANCE TO CHANGE HOW I ACT AND BEHAVE
BLAME STOPS ME BEING THE MAN I WANT TO BE
Adapted from Steve Moorhead 2009
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This is when you think, or assume that someone else made you do, say, think or feel something. Blame tells others you are not responsible for what you do, say, think or feel.
Blame is a way of defending yourself.
* I can use blame as an excuse in my relationships, by saying to my partner: "I had to react because you nagged me into it", or "It's your fault because "you provoked me", or
"It's because you have a big mouth I had to...", or "You made me...." etc.
* I can use blame against all women to show how I have to react or feel put down as a man, by saying: "All women are bitches", or "All women are like that", etc.
* I can use blame to ge me off the hook in arguments, or to distract the other person and get them to react defensively. Blame hellps me get the attention off me and onto
someone or something else. I protect myself by blaming others ....... and it makes them look just as bad if not worse than me.
BLAME GIVES MY POWER AWAY
AS LONG AS I BLAME MY ANGER AND BEHAVIOUR ON SOMEONE ELSE, I GIVE UP THE CHANCE TO CHANGE HOW I ACT AND BEHAVE
BLAME STOPS ME BEING THE MAN I WANT TO BE
Adapted from Steve Moorhead 2009
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01/08: What is responsibility?
Taking responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions is the first step in ACHIEVING CHANGE. Here is a list of things you need to tell yourself about responsibility.
* I am responsible for what comes out of me, no matter what anyone else says or does
* I am responsible for my actions and reactions
* I am responsible for my own feelings and thoughts
* Whatever I did, I did it - no-one else "made" me do it
* Taking responsibility for my own abusive and violent behaviour may be harder to do than resorting to blame
* Responsibility may be painful, it may take courage because I have to face myself and deal with the shame
* When I do take responsibility, it's a relief. It creates new freedom for me. I am in charge when I take responsibility.
To take responsibility is to assume power over my life.
Thank you to Steve Moorhead 2009 for his adaptation.
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* I am responsible for what comes out of me, no matter what anyone else says or does
* I am responsible for my actions and reactions
* I am responsible for my own feelings and thoughts
* Whatever I did, I did it - no-one else "made" me do it
* Taking responsibility for my own abusive and violent behaviour may be harder to do than resorting to blame
* Responsibility may be painful, it may take courage because I have to face myself and deal with the shame
* When I do take responsibility, it's a relief. It creates new freedom for me. I am in charge when I take responsibility.
To take responsibility is to assume power over my life.
Thank you to Steve Moorhead 2009 for his adaptation.
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05/11: Social Networking & Conflict
In a recently released report titled; “Issues & Concerns for Australian relationships 2011” by Relationships Australia; it looked at the impact of social networking technology on relationships.
It seems that 67% of us use email, 62% SMS, 39% Facebook, 3% Twitter, 3% On-line dating & 17% stated they used none of these.
When asked what impact these social networking sites had on their current relationships, 16% reported a negative impact, 27% reported a positive impact whilst 57% reported it had no impact on their lives.
A question however that I’d love to know is the impact of these social network sites on conflict. Given our instant world and our instant need for gratification ie people telling you immediately how they like your comment, picture etc; I really wonder how many people stop to think of the ramifications of both inciting conflict and dealing with it.
Sadly it seems for so many the network revolution means there is little time to ponder over a message before a response is warranted. What makes this worse is that receiving a message from a social networking site is purely “words” and can be interpreted in any manner the receiver wishes.
People are becoming so adept at using several networking sites at the same time, it seems attention spans are now limited to mere seconds before moving on to that next important SMS. What does that mean for future generations? How will they handle conflict? Will they sit and ponder an issue? Will they think through the consequences of their response? My guess is that by the time it took me to write this, 500 of their friends already probably know about what’s going on and not in a good way.
I have no problem with social networking sites but seeing the content of what many people write concerns me. There is often little thought given to the long term consequence of what they are writing.
As Christmas approaches this year, let’s hope for goodwill not ill will.
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It seems that 67% of us use email, 62% SMS, 39% Facebook, 3% Twitter, 3% On-line dating & 17% stated they used none of these.
When asked what impact these social networking sites had on their current relationships, 16% reported a negative impact, 27% reported a positive impact whilst 57% reported it had no impact on their lives.
A question however that I’d love to know is the impact of these social network sites on conflict. Given our instant world and our instant need for gratification ie people telling you immediately how they like your comment, picture etc; I really wonder how many people stop to think of the ramifications of both inciting conflict and dealing with it.
Sadly it seems for so many the network revolution means there is little time to ponder over a message before a response is warranted. What makes this worse is that receiving a message from a social networking site is purely “words” and can be interpreted in any manner the receiver wishes.
People are becoming so adept at using several networking sites at the same time, it seems attention spans are now limited to mere seconds before moving on to that next important SMS. What does that mean for future generations? How will they handle conflict? Will they sit and ponder an issue? Will they think through the consequences of their response? My guess is that by the time it took me to write this, 500 of their friends already probably know about what’s going on and not in a good way.
I have no problem with social networking sites but seeing the content of what many people write concerns me. There is often little thought given to the long term consequence of what they are writing.
As Christmas approaches this year, let’s hope for goodwill not ill will.
Item viewed: 16990 times
Arguments often get out of control leaving all people feeling frustrated, angry and at worst wanting revenge. Try these steps next time you are caught up in an argument. These are adapted from some great counselors that I know and need to thank (Even Jensen and Steve Moorhead and were developed in 2009).
1. Be direct. Say what you feel. Say what you require.
2. Actively listen.
3. No threats, intimidation or verbal abuse.
4. Avoid arguing in front of others.
5. Don’t attempt to read the other person’s mind – ask them instead what they’re thinking or feeling?
6. Don’t expect them to read your mind – tell them calmly.
7. Don’t BLAME – it will only bring counter-blame.
8. Own your own feelings. This means starting sentences with “I feel” not “you make me feel”.
9. Don’t talk over the top of each other, and don’t talk each other down.
10. Concede a point if it’s true – this will make it more likely that some of your valid points will be accepted.
11. Don’t hit below the belt with your arguments, and don’t wear your belt too high (i.e. don’t be thin skinned).
12. Don’t bring up past grievances to use as ammunition for the present argument.
13. No tit for tat or competing to be right. You don’t always need to be right or to take the high moral ground.
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1. Be direct. Say what you feel. Say what you require.
2. Actively listen.
3. No threats, intimidation or verbal abuse.
4. Avoid arguing in front of others.
5. Don’t attempt to read the other person’s mind – ask them instead what they’re thinking or feeling?
6. Don’t expect them to read your mind – tell them calmly.
7. Don’t BLAME – it will only bring counter-blame.
8. Own your own feelings. This means starting sentences with “I feel” not “you make me feel”.
9. Don’t talk over the top of each other, and don’t talk each other down.
10. Concede a point if it’s true – this will make it more likely that some of your valid points will be accepted.
11. Don’t hit below the belt with your arguments, and don’t wear your belt too high (i.e. don’t be thin skinned).
12. Don’t bring up past grievances to use as ammunition for the present argument.
13. No tit for tat or competing to be right. You don’t always need to be right or to take the high moral ground.
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How good are your workplace policies in achieving the goals they set out in protecting our basic rights and the way we should be treated? We’ve advanced reasonably well on the wages front but when it comes to not being harassed, made fun of, bullied and the list goes on and on, well quite frankly it’s a painfully slow process. More and more we are reading articles in the media that these policies put in place to protect us are nothing more than a bureaucratic system. Just look at the recent case of the suit against David Jones CEO Mark Mc Innes. He was being sued for $37 million dollars by a former publicist for sexual harassment. The case was settled out of court for a reported figure of under a million dollars. From what I read, it was settled and apparently no one was to blame really. (got to love our confidentiality clauses).
But sadly what none of the media ever asked is; “For a company as big as David Jones and all the policies they no doubt had in place around treatment in the workplace, how did their system fail so miserably in letting it get this far?”
In all honesty it really doesn’t matter where you work. If you’re like me, I can never recall a job I worked in without seeing people blatantly forget the workplace policies that are somehow hidden away in some black hole collecting dust.
Why is this the case? Well it’s called human nature. No matter how many times staff may be reminded about policies around the way we treat each other, it seems O.K. to enter the grey areas. Gossip behind someone’s back, ahhhh no problem. Have a go at someone in their work performance, that’s O.K.; after all it’s what I am expected to do.
Even if we think there may be a case to take it further (often with colleagues cheering you on from the sidelines); the road to redemption is difficult. Firstly few colleagues when asked if they would back you up agree to do so as they are concerned about their own position. If you proceed down the legal path, you can expect an employer will be well represented. Bad enough losing a case, worse if you’re stuck with a legal bill.
Sadly in many workplaces the higher up the ladder you progress, the more likely the authority you have will make you feel that you are justified in some of your behaviours/actions. Most workplaces promote people on their ability to get the job done, to make that extra dollar, to streamline the workforce etc.
Very few if any workplaces drum into these very same people the need to read, understand and follow workplace practices around the treatment of their employees. I suspect the only way most workplaces will change is when they are hit with the bottom line, bad publicity and money. If you are lucky enough to work for a place that really follows what it ought to do, wow, you should rush out and buy a lottery ticket.
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But sadly what none of the media ever asked is; “For a company as big as David Jones and all the policies they no doubt had in place around treatment in the workplace, how did their system fail so miserably in letting it get this far?”
In all honesty it really doesn’t matter where you work. If you’re like me, I can never recall a job I worked in without seeing people blatantly forget the workplace policies that are somehow hidden away in some black hole collecting dust.
Why is this the case? Well it’s called human nature. No matter how many times staff may be reminded about policies around the way we treat each other, it seems O.K. to enter the grey areas. Gossip behind someone’s back, ahhhh no problem. Have a go at someone in their work performance, that’s O.K.; after all it’s what I am expected to do.
Even if we think there may be a case to take it further (often with colleagues cheering you on from the sidelines); the road to redemption is difficult. Firstly few colleagues when asked if they would back you up agree to do so as they are concerned about their own position. If you proceed down the legal path, you can expect an employer will be well represented. Bad enough losing a case, worse if you’re stuck with a legal bill.
Sadly in many workplaces the higher up the ladder you progress, the more likely the authority you have will make you feel that you are justified in some of your behaviours/actions. Most workplaces promote people on their ability to get the job done, to make that extra dollar, to streamline the workforce etc.
Very few if any workplaces drum into these very same people the need to read, understand and follow workplace practices around the treatment of their employees. I suspect the only way most workplaces will change is when they are hit with the bottom line, bad publicity and money. If you are lucky enough to work for a place that really follows what it ought to do, wow, you should rush out and buy a lottery ticket.
Item viewed: 25582 times
The put down comment can often occur when you least expect it or sadly at a moment when knowing what to do evades you.
The most natural response is wanting immediate “revenge”, to get them back and particularly to defend yourself from this very unpleasant person.
The problem often becomes in trying to defend our self it makes it worse and can have the opposite effect. It can spiral out of control really quickly leaving a sour taste.
The dictionary describes put downs as; either a disparaging, belittling or snubbing remark or a remark intended to humiliate or embarrass someone.
It is believed that the origin of put-downs is an insecurity in the other person: they want to make themselves feel good by making you look bad. This relies on you responding in a way that makes them feel good, and you going 'on the defensive' does just that. Put-downs rely on a reaction from you.
Your main aims, when responding to put downs,are usually:
• To stop the put down behaviour
• To do so in a way that maintains your own self respect
Here is a recommended strategy for dealing with put downs:
In the first instance, IGNORE IT. In many cases the person may try a few times to put you down but, once it becomes obvious there will be no reaction, will stop. Other people will respect you for it (for being 'mature enough' to ignore it). NB: Don't let yourself 'feel bad' (such reactions reward the put-down behaviour). Think: 'I'll rise above it. Put downs say much more about the person saying it than the person the comments are directed towards).
If you feel the need to deal with a put-down, do so with humour. Don't treat it seriously, make a joke out of it - but don't make the other person the butt of the joke
If those don't work, then use “I statements” such as I feel really offended by what you said.
Lastly naming what they are doing as a put down can make them aware and hopefully somewhat embarrassed by using them e.g. “Why is it important to use put down behaviour towards me?” They may simply deny it but are more likely to think twice about continuing.
You should never use put-down behaviour yourself. If you feel the urge to do so, then you'll need to learn to value yourself more, so that you can overcome the insecurity that drives such behaviour.
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The most natural response is wanting immediate “revenge”, to get them back and particularly to defend yourself from this very unpleasant person.
The problem often becomes in trying to defend our self it makes it worse and can have the opposite effect. It can spiral out of control really quickly leaving a sour taste.
The dictionary describes put downs as; either a disparaging, belittling or snubbing remark or a remark intended to humiliate or embarrass someone.
It is believed that the origin of put-downs is an insecurity in the other person: they want to make themselves feel good by making you look bad. This relies on you responding in a way that makes them feel good, and you going 'on the defensive' does just that. Put-downs rely on a reaction from you.
Your main aims, when responding to put downs,are usually:
• To stop the put down behaviour
• To do so in a way that maintains your own self respect
Here is a recommended strategy for dealing with put downs:
In the first instance, IGNORE IT. In many cases the person may try a few times to put you down but, once it becomes obvious there will be no reaction, will stop. Other people will respect you for it (for being 'mature enough' to ignore it). NB: Don't let yourself 'feel bad' (such reactions reward the put-down behaviour). Think: 'I'll rise above it. Put downs say much more about the person saying it than the person the comments are directed towards).
If you feel the need to deal with a put-down, do so with humour. Don't treat it seriously, make a joke out of it - but don't make the other person the butt of the joke
If those don't work, then use “I statements” such as I feel really offended by what you said.
Lastly naming what they are doing as a put down can make them aware and hopefully somewhat embarrassed by using them e.g. “Why is it important to use put down behaviour towards me?” They may simply deny it but are more likely to think twice about continuing.
You should never use put-down behaviour yourself. If you feel the urge to do so, then you'll need to learn to value yourself more, so that you can overcome the insecurity that drives such behaviour.
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I often wonder why Christmas isn’t just like you see in those feel good movies running up to the big important day of the year. Well at least the ones with the happy endings where suddenly everyone is overtaken with the warmth and cheer of Christmas.
If you’re reading this, then you’re probably thinking, yeah that’s not my family. I often think the problem with Christmas is all the expectation that leads up to it. We surrounded by it, even if you’ve kept it to a minimum at home, just go down to your local shopping centre. The big day is often a big let down. Simply Christmas is often people put together who may well dislike each other in often a claustrophobic proximity. Family get togethers can often simply remind us how little in common we have and when we don’t have that distance even the most minor misunderstandings and irritations quickly can get out of hand.
It’s partly because people revert to what they know, their old ways and habits. Moving on or changing, the old forgive and forget mentality can be hard to overcome.
Well try these few ideas and may your festive season be one you can get through;
Try not drinking all day. Apart from feeling rather awful, it more than often will lead to arguments and worse.
If something is bothering you, let it go. Does it really matter that much? If you can imagine the permanent loss of these people who share your life, it will put things into perspective for you.
Try and help out or take turns cooking in teams. If you’ve never been in charge of preparing a meal, here’s your chance (the shock alone should cause people to forget all else going on)
Try to share at least one simple activity as a group, such as a short walk in the area
If your family is not together turn negatives into positives by saying; “We’ll have two of everything.”
Try and surprise people by not being who they expected on the day (step outside the box)
Invent a new ritual each year e.g. everybody reads out something inspirational about someone else in the group or even a joke (at a certain pre-ordained time)
Ask questions of each other. It’s easy for the meals to be over with no proper talk. Try to think of members of your family as people you’ve just met and need to get to know
The good news is, come January we can look forward to all the local supermarkets stocking up with Easter eggs again.•
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If you’re reading this, then you’re probably thinking, yeah that’s not my family. I often think the problem with Christmas is all the expectation that leads up to it. We surrounded by it, even if you’ve kept it to a minimum at home, just go down to your local shopping centre. The big day is often a big let down. Simply Christmas is often people put together who may well dislike each other in often a claustrophobic proximity. Family get togethers can often simply remind us how little in common we have and when we don’t have that distance even the most minor misunderstandings and irritations quickly can get out of hand.
It’s partly because people revert to what they know, their old ways and habits. Moving on or changing, the old forgive and forget mentality can be hard to overcome.
Well try these few ideas and may your festive season be one you can get through;
Try not drinking all day. Apart from feeling rather awful, it more than often will lead to arguments and worse.
If something is bothering you, let it go. Does it really matter that much? If you can imagine the permanent loss of these people who share your life, it will put things into perspective for you.
Try and help out or take turns cooking in teams. If you’ve never been in charge of preparing a meal, here’s your chance (the shock alone should cause people to forget all else going on)
Try to share at least one simple activity as a group, such as a short walk in the area
If your family is not together turn negatives into positives by saying; “We’ll have two of everything.”
Try and surprise people by not being who they expected on the day (step outside the box)
Invent a new ritual each year e.g. everybody reads out something inspirational about someone else in the group or even a joke (at a certain pre-ordained time)
Ask questions of each other. It’s easy for the meals to be over with no proper talk. Try to think of members of your family as people you’ve just met and need to get to know
The good news is, come January we can look forward to all the local supermarkets stocking up with Easter eggs again.•
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Are you someone who is tempted by the internet through its chat rooms? Let’s be honest, the internet is a powerful attraction to most of us.
I’ve listed some tips for those who feel a need to visit chat rooms.
1. Admit to yourself that by being on the internet is causing problems in your relationship.
2. Go onto the internet not because you are bored, lonely or just had a fight with your partner but rather because you have a focused reason.
3. By putting your computer somewhere everyone can see it, you’re less likely to be tempted. Try to organize your time online when people are around leading to less temptation.
4. Spend more time in the real world. Go out, go for a walk, invite friends over for a B.B.Q., go shopping etc. We didn’t always have the internet around controlling us.
5. Instant messenger type programs are a real trap as are various chat rooms. Delete them.
6. Change your email address completely. You can always email direct family and those who need to know your email address with your new one.
7. Checkout filtering software that allows certain programs to be blocked. This will help re-build the trust
If you’re sincere about changing your habits, your partner may appreciate the effort and trust may start to return. Cold turkey in giving up the internet doesn’t work for most people. Seek support.
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I’ve listed some tips for those who feel a need to visit chat rooms.
1. Admit to yourself that by being on the internet is causing problems in your relationship.
2. Go onto the internet not because you are bored, lonely or just had a fight with your partner but rather because you have a focused reason.
3. By putting your computer somewhere everyone can see it, you’re less likely to be tempted. Try to organize your time online when people are around leading to less temptation.
4. Spend more time in the real world. Go out, go for a walk, invite friends over for a B.B.Q., go shopping etc. We didn’t always have the internet around controlling us.
5. Instant messenger type programs are a real trap as are various chat rooms. Delete them.
6. Change your email address completely. You can always email direct family and those who need to know your email address with your new one.
7. Checkout filtering software that allows certain programs to be blocked. This will help re-build the trust
If you’re sincere about changing your habits, your partner may appreciate the effort and trust may start to return. Cold turkey in giving up the internet doesn’t work for most people. Seek support.
Item viewed: 33873 times
As a long time mediator, most people I come across tend to be upset, somewhat angry and certainly “emotional” about the conflict they find themselves in.
Often a first reaction for people who are upset or feel they have been wronged is to “take them to court”. I don’t know who originally penned the saying “Having your day in court”; but I’m guessing it must have been someone with lots of money.
In essence how helpful is the court process; but more importantly how many people actually end up in court. Well, a lot less than you might think. You might be surprised how many deals are done in the corridors of a court between lawyers. Even more surprising is the leverage they use. It’s called money. I’ve had many a story told where a lawyer has told their client if you don’t agree to this (which the lawyers see as reasonable) then it’s going to cost you this much.
Even if it gets into court and the judge makes a decision, there is one thing they can not do. It’s called “goodwill”. A judgment in many instances assumes the parties will obey and adhere to what is being ordered. Take for example orders around parenting children. If they’re not followed (Australia) then the Police don’t get involved, it goes back to the Family court.
How many times can someone afford to keep going back to the Family Court? If someone is ordered to pay a sum of money, I seem to have read many ways of people avoiding, delaying etc.
Mediation really is a far better way of handling disputes (I do acknowledge that some very tricky cases need courts). Most people really need to sit down and work it out with the other person. Surprisingly, most people who come up with agreements in mediation stick to them, because they came up with them, rather than having something imposed upon them. The beauty of that is, often the agreements have a goodwill component and cost so much less than litigation.
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Often a first reaction for people who are upset or feel they have been wronged is to “take them to court”. I don’t know who originally penned the saying “Having your day in court”; but I’m guessing it must have been someone with lots of money.
In essence how helpful is the court process; but more importantly how many people actually end up in court. Well, a lot less than you might think. You might be surprised how many deals are done in the corridors of a court between lawyers. Even more surprising is the leverage they use. It’s called money. I’ve had many a story told where a lawyer has told their client if you don’t agree to this (which the lawyers see as reasonable) then it’s going to cost you this much.
Even if it gets into court and the judge makes a decision, there is one thing they can not do. It’s called “goodwill”. A judgment in many instances assumes the parties will obey and adhere to what is being ordered. Take for example orders around parenting children. If they’re not followed (Australia) then the Police don’t get involved, it goes back to the Family court.
How many times can someone afford to keep going back to the Family Court? If someone is ordered to pay a sum of money, I seem to have read many ways of people avoiding, delaying etc.
Mediation really is a far better way of handling disputes (I do acknowledge that some very tricky cases need courts). Most people really need to sit down and work it out with the other person. Surprisingly, most people who come up with agreements in mediation stick to them, because they came up with them, rather than having something imposed upon them. The beauty of that is, often the agreements have a goodwill component and cost so much less than litigation.
Item viewed: 33456 times
